last night i had a few separate conversations involving the phenomenon known as “floor drugs” - the drugs you do that you found on the floor of whatever bar or club you’re in. one of the friends i was with last night did some floor drugs and this morning told me he was feeling pretty shitty as a result. i, on the other hand, have had a few floor drug experiences in my day, all of which were actually pretty decent considering.
so this is the conundrum: you’re in a bar and you’ve found some drugs. how do you decide if the potential sketchiness outweighs the potential fun of free drugs? or if you’re willing to risk experiencing a major shame attack after doing what are potentially shitty drugs in a shitty setting? a lot of it has to do with where you are. from this you can make educated guesses as to the source of the lost drugs, which give insight into the quality and potential shady factors. anyway, i made this scatter graph, along with my personal cost vs. benefit commentary, to help you answer these questions.
i encourage you to reply if you have anything to add, or if you can corroborate/disprove my floor drug hypotheses.
COST VS. BENEFIT ANALYSIS
rickshaw stop - it depends on the night, but i’d say for the most part that floor drugs found here either belong to overprivileged suburban 18-year-olds or to weird yuppie sex predators planning to offer them to said suburban 18-year-olds to try & get laid. either way, cut as a motherfucker, but probably not with anything shady.
delirium - you get the satisfaction of knowing that these drugs belonged to one of those lame dudebros who you hate for “ruining the mission” on weekends. this dudebro is (or will be in 20 minutes when he goes to do a bump and can’t find his drugs) hella bummed, and you helped make that happen! but let’s be honest, this shit will be total garbage, i’m talking like you’ll do it all and not even get post nasal drip, and if you’re over 20 you will hate yourself for doing delirium floor drugs.
pops - an enormous, resounding no. you have like, a 50/50 chance of the drugs you find on the floor of this bar being good, which are actually not bad odds as far as floor drugs go. but where will you do them? doing blow in that bathroom is like being trapped on a mission-scumbag tower of terror ride. you WILL be haunted by ghosts of hipsters past, and you will undoubtedly find this to be kind of a buzzkill.
beauty bar - keep the following in mind: the nights one is likely to find floor drugs at beauty bar are weekends, the same nights bridge & tunnel douchebags are drawn to this spot like r. kelly to preteens. as you’re considering floor drugs, evaluate your fellow patrons. see that pudgy middle eastern computer programmer guy in the sandwashed true religion jeans and bejeweled bret michaels esque cowboy hat? yeah, that guy over there with his bluetooth still in his ear. those drugs could be HIS DRUGS. do you really want to get high off of what that guy gets high off of? i think i’ve made my point.
uptown - this is such a mellow, cozy bar that i found it hard to believe that people would even do drugs here … until i did drugs here. and then ended up doing drugs the next 5 times i came. if i actually paid for my own stuff, i’d save it and do it somewhere else where the setting would be more enjoyable, ie. do you really want to be high on stimulants listening to songs off of neil young’s “prairie wind” album? but if it’s free, why not? i will say though that overall i think finding floor drugs here is pretty unlikely.
mezzanine - i would imagine that the floor drugs you find in clubs like this will typically be pretty speedy. people want $40 grams but are unwilling to sacrifice on potency, so shitty amphetamines are substituted to close the gap. if you just want to get fucked up and are on board with it regardless, i’m not judging you for it. just take it slow …and be prepared to spend the next day or two feeling dehydrated and inconsolably depressed.
edinburgh castle - if you find floor drugs at 1964 i’d say you kind of came up. they probably belong to someone you “kind of” know. 15 minutes after you found the floor drugs you’ll bump into this person in the smoking room. you’ll ask how their night’s going, they’ll say, “good, except i just lost a big bag of drugs! sad face” at which point you’ll get to hug them and be like “bummer! well, hey, want to come do a bump with me?” and now you’re the hero and everyone’s happy.
gestalt - the fact that there even are floor drugs to be found at a place like gestalt is kind of ridiculous, but i can vouch because last summer i definitely found some. i didn’t do them because it was like 6pm, still light outside, and even i have to draw the line somewhere. as far as sketchiness goes, they’re probably fine. anyone who brings stimulants to a bar that only serves fancy beer and sausages is kind of winning at life.
